We Will Move Forward « Shoot Me Now

Shoot Me NowWe Will Move Forward

We Will Move Forward
Published on Sunday, January 3, 2016 by

This is a screen shot of a picture I shared on Facebook today.  I don’t think I have ever seen a picture that hit home so profoundly.  Above the picture I wrote, “When David was at his worst and I didn’t know if he was going to make it, I held on to his hand with everything I had.  If I had to get up for a second I made my Mom or Elizabeth hold his hand.  I had this feeling that if I let go of his hand I could lose him.  I just saw this… Wow.”

unroof coronary artery

I don’t even know where to begin.

My 22 year old son had his open heart surgery two weeks ago.  The surgeon was able to unroof the anomalous right coronary artery exactly as planned.  David is home with a defibrillator vest which will automatically start his heart if it stops again.  His recovery has been quick due to his age and overall health.

So why can’t I just relax?

There is no 100% that my son is fixed.  There is no 100% that any of my other children won’t have something similar happen.  Heck, I could walk across the street and get hit by a truck tomorrow.

It’s funny.  I have always been the one who says, “Go out and live your life! Don’t be afraid of the unknown.  Go white water rafting!  Go climb that rock wall!  HAVE FUN!”  My son told me, “You can’t change that thought process.  Before all this happened I used to tell people that any of us could drop at any time.  How ironic that it literally happened to me.”

He is right, and I know that.  If anything, perhaps we should work on having even more adventures during our lifetime.  You just never know.

I’ve started work while he stays home recovering.  But my mind is still home with him.  I am definitely suffering from post-traumatic stress… but quietly, deep inside my head.  Every night I have nightmares.  I keep busy the entire day just so I don’t have to think.  And when those images of the worst hospital moments creep in to the forefront of my mind I push them back as quickly as I can.

One of the chaplains at the health care facility I work at has told me, “Those images will never leave you, no matter how much medication you are offered or how much counseling you might decide to try.  When they appear, immediately bring about the BEST images from that time.  Think of one of the moments when you were given hope.”

The next time the worst moment of his hospital stay reared its ugly head in my mind, I did just that.  The first time I was given hope was when a physician took me out of the room, explained some good news and said, “Your son is a miracle.”

A miracle.  My son.  Those words will forever be my weapon against the dark images that will never go away.

On a lighter side…. One needs to laugh during times of trouble.  A few days ago my son began to laugh at one of the many stupid things he catches me doing on a daily basis.  I don’t even remember what it was.  He started to chuckle.  Then laugh… and then go in to complete hysterics.

That was when he had to start holding his healing sternum.  Laughing at my expense was causing him physical pain.  I cut my eyes at him and quietly said, “Laugh it up, heart boy.”  At that, he had to leave the room because he was laughing so hard.

We will never forget. But we will move forward.

mom blog

  • Ron

    Katherine, even before I read your entire post and saw what you shared on Facebook, I was getting teary-eyed. OMG…what a beautifully expressed post. You are truly a gifted writer. I could literally feel what you were/are feeling just through the energy of your words. I know this cannot be easy for you being his mother because the bond you share is so deep and so close.

    And you’re right, those images may always be there, although I do think they will slowly soften as time goes on. And I’ve no doubt that you’re experiencing post-traumatic stress, I think any would after experiencing what you’ve gone through.

    “The first time I was given hope was when a physician took me out of the room, explained some good news and said, “Your son is a miracle.”

    And keep focusing on that, my friend. Keep the faith that all is working out for the best. And trust me, I know, because I had to keep telling myself that when I was in hospital back in October as well. And it DID all work out for the best.

    Happy New Year, Katherine! Wishing you (and your son) the all the very BEST in 2016!

    X ya!

    • And I was teary eyed reading your comment. I thought of you when I was in the hospital with David… the whole dental thing… it is all so scary. I felt I was doing better but then two nights ago I had HORRIBLE nightmares about him all night long. The good thing though is I am finally able to go to the gym again. I have been fighting early pneumonia. I always feel so much better physically and emotionally when I go to the gym regularly… so things are looking up!

  • I know this was an awful scare for you and I can’t imagine it at all. I hope I never have to go through what you did. I’m glad you were holding his hand because I knew you’d not let go.

    Have a blessed day and know you’re care for by many of your blogging buddies. 🙂

    • I just can’t feel safe… despite the surgery – I’ll always worry. But that is normal… I’m “Mom” and there are never any guarantees. So I just enjoy every second with ALL of my children… I cherish EVERY SINGLE MOMENT…. I’ve always loved being with the kids, but now I take care to really pay attention to every moment with all of them. 🙂

  • Katherine, I absolutely love “heart boy.” It epitomizes his strength as well as your love for him. The chaplin’s words are an inspiration for us all. Thank you for sharing. Remember, fear is a four-letter word.

    • I never thought about that… fear IS a four letter word. I have actually used “heart boy” one other time… he was teasing me again about I don’t know what…. it made him laugh. 🙂

  • That is an amazing post, Katherine. Your son is a miracle…that phrase will push away those dark memories when they try to creep in. You are correct that you will never forget, but also that you will move forward. Forward to new adventures, making new memories. Another thing I know is that we are all much stronger than we think. We only discover this after the fact, though. Many blessing to your family in the New Year.

    • Linda, you are right. I have broken down throughout my life over this or that, just as everyone else has. But boy, I think about some of the things I did and am so proud of myself. I remained a rock when I had to – even though I wanted to run out of the room screaming sometimes. I think it comes down to love. When you love someone as deeply as you love your family members, you will do ANYTHING for them.

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