Today, I Cooked Vomit.

Published on Thursday, April 16, 2009 by Katherine

This morning I felt pretty proud of myself. The night before, I had cut up some onions and garlic and put them in the fridge. I put my crockpot on the counter along with two containers of broth, four potatoes and a baggie containing one cup of rice.

Right before I left for work I threw it all together in the crock pot, along with a nice piece of pork loin. Yup… when I got home, dinner would be all ready. I am so uberly smart.

Now, I have to give you a bit of background to this story. I tried this once before, about a month ago. When I came home, I didn’t smell anything cooking. The plug had slipped just enough out of the outlet to turn the crock pot off. Raw meat, right in the trash. How wasteful. And darn it all, I had to COOK that night.

So back to my story. I came home from work, walked in the door and was met with a wall of delectable pork smell. Dinner’s on! Wait! Grab the cell phone. “Mom? You are at Costo, right? Come on over for dinner!” Smile. Sniff! Mmmm.

My mother arrives, everyone is hungry, and I open the crock pot. I carefully take out the pork and plate it. (That sounds so Iron Chef, doesn’t it?) Then with great anticipation, I gaze into my crock pot of glory. Staring back at me? Something that resembles a combination of oatmeal and yes, vomit. I said it.

In my great moment of culinary creativity, I mixed my pork potion without even thinking about looking at a crock pot recipe. Did you know that if you put one cup of rice and some cut potatoes into a crock pot full of broth, it turns into a vomit-like paste? And the potatoes become coated with this vomit-like paste?

Believe it or not, I am normally a pretty good cook! But, for your viewing pleasure, I am including a picture of what is truly the ugliest meal I’ve ever made. I wish you had smell-o-vision, because it actually tasted and smelled delicious. You just have to learn how to eat with your eyes closed!