The Secret to Losing Weight « Shoot Me Now

Shoot Me NowThe Secret to Losing Weight

The Secret to Losing Weight
Published on Friday, May 21, 2010 by

People with gastroparesis either lose so much weight that they wind up on feeding tubes, or they gain it because their bodies go in to starvation mode.  Guess whose body goes in to starvation mode?  (pointing at myself)

I have had countless days/weeks/months/years of sickness, liquid diets and meals skipped by the bucket load.  Yet the pounds creep up, turning a terrible illness into an experience of absolute futility.

Curves helped me to lose some weight, but then I hit a plateau I simply could not get off of.  That is, until the Evil Jillian Michaels Incarnate became my personal trainer.  One would never guess that this sweet, innocent nine year old could implement the same sadistic training methods you see on The Biggest Loser.  But yet she does.  Oh yes my friends, she does.

Several weeks ago I decided I would start walking after work.  My daughter offered to ride her scooter next to me, which sounded fun.  And then came my bright idea.  “I know honey!  Why don’t you act like my trainer and make me keep a quick and steady pace!”  That was all this child needed.

She takes her job very seriously.  And I have to hand it to her – I have lost more than 15 pounds in the last month or so.  People at work are starting to comment on my baggy pants, which makes the following clip of my evil daughter Oh So Worth It:

My Workout with the Next Jillian Michaels from shootmenowblog on Vimeo.

Yes, Evil Jillian Michaels – as I call my daughter to her face – races in front of me screaming, “Move it move it move it!  Come ON! You don’t want to be on the Biggest Loser, DO YOU!?”  I can’t run due to heel spurs, but this girl gets me pretty darn close as I pant and whine behind her. 

Now take a moment to actually picture this.  You are a neighbor innocently weeding your garden.  You start to hear the rumble of scooter wheels.  You perceive something that sounds like yelling.  Curious, you lift your head and lean forward – squinting to make out what is coming.  The sound gets louder as you see a red headed girl with vengeance in her eyes plowing by you on a bright pink scooter.  She is screaming, “IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!” as she flies by.  And behind her?  Sad, sad me, huffing and puffing, swinging my arms as I wildly attempt to touch her extended hand – a hand that gets further away more often than it gets closer.

You got the picture.

And to add insult to injury?  Two days ago my teenage boys agreed to go with us so they could get in a jog.  They hadn’t seen my daughter and I perform, for lack of a better term.  They started their run ahead of us while I began to swing my arms, settling in to a speedy rhythm.

It was then that I looked up.  Both boys were gazing back at me laughing – swinging their arms, walking fast and bowlegged as they wove back and forth in a serpentine manner.  One swerved to a neighbor’s yard and crash landed, lying on his back while flailing his arms and legs as if he was a cockroach recently sprayed with Raid.  The other slowed to a crawl, finally face planting in to a sea of green grass where he lay comatose with an occasional spasmodic twitch.

Wasn’t it David Letterman who said, “I do and I do and I do for you kids and this is the thanks I get?”

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  • Oh this cracked me up. You poor thing, I’m sorry, but watching that video and then visualizing the boys flapping around like that. It’s so mean, but so funny!

    And also? Congratulations on losing that stubborn weight. I’m about to shoot mine in the foot if it doesn’t get the hell off me.

    • @Margaret (Nanny Goats), I would have done ANYTHING to have had my flip recorder with me when they did it. But then I probably wouldn’t have been able to enjoy it as much. I also think about the neighbors and what they saw… me starting up, the boys seeing me and then having spasms on the ground – I’m sure we made someone’s day!

  • You’ve got yourself one heck of a personal trainer. I agree with Margaret about the weight – I’ve got at least 10 lbs. I’d like to drop, but it’s definitely not in my foot, so shooting it probably wouldn’t help. 😉

    • @Linda, I would have to reach behind me to shoot! 😉

  • Can I babysit your daughter for a few weeks? I promise to take very good care of her and you’ll get her back as soon as I can fit back into my favourite jeans. After having seen her in action, I’m not sure it’ll even take a few weeks. She scared a pound off me just through the videostream! Maybe just a couple of days? I won’t need the boys, though. I get enough ribbing from my own.

    • @Nicky, Oh I am SO sorry…. she comes WITH the boys. If you take them, then SURE! She will be happy to visit for a while! Oh wait I have a BETTER idea… why don’t you come to MY house… she will work you out by having you pull me in a wagon – I’ll set it up with a pillow, a fan and of course I’ll carry a drink. Think of the exercise you will get!

  • I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hard anyway!

    Can I have her for about ten pounds?? Nothing else has worked!!

    • @mrsblogalot, You know, I am starting to think this might be my big money maker after reading your comment! Funny, we have an amazing neighbor up the street who always chats with us. He has some pounds to lose for his health and commented on that when I was “exercising by.” I told him I would be happy to loan Elizabeth out and he very seriously said, “I might take you up on that!” So, I can be the caboose while she works out other people for money… oh YEA!

  • People pay good money for the kind of personal training you’re getting!

    If it’s doing the trick, then HUZZAH!

    • @MsDarkstar, You know, you are actually right on the mark. I’ve been paying 40 a month for Curves with the “tag” that personally trains you. It did really well at first but got a bit boring and I could never get past that one mark. After my daughter and I do the “power walk” we go in the back yard and I do weight training with my oldest teen. THEN I go in and do crunches – so I could actually save money by quitting curves AND by not having a trainer!

  • Your story is hilarious. You hang in there, no pain, no gain.

    • @Arnold, unfortunately the pain was all about my pride at that point!

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  • Oh My Goodness! Congrats on loosing more than 15 pounds in the last month! Your daughter is one heck of a personal trainer! Good for the both of you! 🙂

    *going to watch the video now*

    • @meleah rebeccah, I hope it keeps going… with gastroparesis it is so easy to hit a weight that you just can’t get off of. If I do, I might need the REAL Jillian Michaels to visit me!!

  • You got it goin’ on, girl. You’re getting fit and shedding pounds, your youngest is allowed to browbeat you with impunity, you’re saving money and the whole family joins in the hilarity. You’re all fitter, thinner, richer and happier.

    Now just rent her out by the pound and she’s on an upward trajectory toward a six-figure middle management position. Then write the book, get the movie deal, grace the cover of Rolling Stone, retire and get a personal trainer. But then it won’t be nearly as fun, so remember that these are the best of times.

    • @JoyACookin’, “your youngest is allowed to browbeat you with impunity” LOVED your entire comment – laughed outloud!!! You have a GREAT plan!!!

  • Oh my that was too funny, “Is that all you got?” LOL Hey you can’t beat the results, hell 15 pounds in the first month, I think we could all use to shed a few of those winter pounds 🙂

    • @Man Over Board, yup, winter, Christmas cookies, no beach, plenty of clothes to cover you up…. I guess that is the good thing about living at the beach – I have to get myself back to being a little less frightening in a bathing suit!!

  • Um, can she come over and train me too?! My son’s got the can’t-gain-enough-weight variety of gastroparesis. As a result, I’ve gained quite a few “sympathy” pounds, either from stress-induced eating over the feeding tube nightmares we’ve been experiencing or from cleaning his high-calorie plates of ice cream and butter. Whatever the reason, it’s NOT pretty, and I need to get crackin’ to slim down a bit.

    I think that’s just the type of kick in the pants that I need-my very own Jillian!! Congrats on your 15 pound weight loss in one month. That is certainly something to be proud of!!

    • @Cara, Thanks Cara! I think about you often and hope the Littlest Apple is able to gain more weight with his feeding tube. I hope your vacation went better than expected, considering how it started!!!

  • I F’N laughed my ass off!

    A fun way to get my week started. OK, now I have to go for a run. All of sudden it’s not that funny.

    Have a good one.

    • @One of The Guys, You haven’t run until you’ve had a “nine year old ginger” screaming at you! 😉 Actually we haven’t done this in about four days – rain rain rain – today we start back, which I know is going to KILL ME!

  • The young man who is encouraging you in the video is a born coach.

    Love to see this kind of thing.

    Obviously, a vibrant, caring family enjoying just being alive.

    The video and article made my day.


  • Hahaha! Oh good job losing that weight! I wish I had your daughter, and yes, I’m thinking you could rent her out as a trainer….you may not see her again for 6 months! Sorry, not the boys though, none of us needs the jokesters poking fun at our flabby selves!

  • You really have this kind of fun and exciting loosing weight secret eh. The boys on the video made me smile haha. Really cool way to loose those extra weight. Nice video Katherine!

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