My father was a great joke teller. His specialty? Shaggy dog stories.
I thought I had heard most of his jokes. Until last weekend when my mother alluded to one of his jokes that didn’t ring a bell. (Those of you who are well versed in shaggy dog stories will catch that little gem I just referenced.)
She proceeded to tell me the joke, causing me to instantly shoot my coffee out of my nose.
Before I continue, I am going to make a disclaimer. My mother did not approve of every joke my father told. She is not responsible for my retelling of this “old favorite” of my dad. But he was my father, so in his honor, I will share. If only I knew his exact words!
Mr. and Mrs. Smith couldn’t have been a better couple. Married over 30 years, they practically read each other’s thoughts. As a matter of fact, they only had one problem in their otherwise happy marriage. Well, at least the WIFE thought it was a problem.
Mr. Smith had gas.
Not just run of the mill “I’ve eaten something strange today” type of gas. But the type of gas that will make your ears ring and your nose hairs singe.
For years Mrs. Smith begged her husband to see a doctor about his thunderous gas. “One day you are going to fart your guts out, I tell you!”
She would beg. She would plead. But this all fell on deaf ears. Too bad she wasn’t deaf herself, with all the thunderous flatulence she was forced to hear.
Then came the day she found herself wandering down the meat aisle of her local grocery. Maybe she would roast a few chickens tonight. Choosing two of the largest, she began to form an ingenious plan.
When her husband fell asleep that night, she carried out her evil scheme. As she slowly slipped the chicken guts in to the waistband of her sleeping husband’s pants, she congratulated herself. “This will finally scare him in to seeing the doctor.”
She heard his screams from three rooms way. Then more screams, followed by feet pounding to the bathroom. Ten minutes later, he slowly emerged from their room.
“Honey, you were right! All these years of insisting I go to a doctor and it turns out you were dead-on the whole canadian generic pharmacy. This morning it finally happened. I ripped a big one and farted all my guts out! There were intestines everywhere! But by the grace of God and a steady hand I was able to get them all back in.”