Jesus Take The Wheel

Published on Friday, June 24, 2011 by Katherine

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Two years ago my first son decided he was ready to take the test to get his learner’s permit.  I never saw him study.  He failed.  A few months later he said he was ready again.  I saw him study for a few days.  He failed.  Did you know that if you get one sign wrong, you fail?  Did you know the Slippery When Wet sign looks very similar to the Curved Road Ahead sign?  Or so he said.

As we were leaving the second time around a DMV employee called him back.  “You know that if you fail one more time you will have to take a course…”  Fast forward two years time, when my second son turns 15 years and six months.  Both boys began to study.  A lot.

So there we were.  The first trip to the DMV with my middle son and the THIRD trip to the DMV with my first son.  Both boys went back for testing.  I could only see the tops of their heads.   My first son finally walked away from the machine.  I glared at him, waiting.  His eyes glanced towards me and his mouth turned in to a huge, Cheshire cat grin.  Holy hat, he did it.

For those of you who don’t know my middle son, this post will explain it all.  Half way through the test, I see him raise his hand.  THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE GOOD.  A DMV employee walked over to him, spoke a few words and walked away.  He remained in place, continuing the test.  And continuing.  And continuing.  And then he turned towards me and smiled.  Holy hat, he did it.  THE FIRST TIME.  I never doubted it for a second.

And then it hit me.  I had two teenage boys getting their learner’s permits on the very same day.  OH EM GEE.

That was two weeks ago.  During this time I have compiled a list of handy driving tips I plan to pass along to the boys this weekend:

MOM’S TOP TEN HANDY DRIVING TIPS:

1. We are not in England.  Please drive on the right side of the road.
2. Do not hug the right side of the road, swerve to the left to drive around a parked car, and then nearly clip the parked car as you attempt to hug the road again.  There is something called space that you are allowed to leave between your car and any object you happen to see nearby.
3. When the car is already on, do not turn the key to the right.  You will hear a very loud screech.  And the car will make a noise too.
4. If the car is already on and you have turned the key to the right and heard both me and the car make a very loud noise (Yes, the car is ALREADY ON), do not turn it to the right AGAIN.  It really is already on, I promise.
5. The only reason my right hand is gripping the side of the car is because I like my car so much.  I am completely relaxed.  Don’t worry about me, just pay attention to the road.
6. If you are in the middle of the road and say aloud, “Oh snap.  Where is the gas pedal again,” do not be surprised if you hear me question whether you should be behind the wheel or not.  I’m just sayin’.
7. I love your vibrant and often surprising personality.  Please… just don’t drive like your personality.
8. If we see someone walking on the sidewalk towards us as you are backing out of the driveway, please stop and let the person pass.  “Oh, it’s just Alex,” is not an acceptable retort as you continue to send the car backwards.  I think Alex’s mom would agree with me there.
9. When you finally talk your grandmother in to letting you drive her car down the street, try not to clip the rich lady’s mailbox with grandma’s passenger mirror as you pull to the side of the road.  Grandma loves her passenger side mirror, and the rich lady probably likes her mailbox too.
10. Please, both of you, please.  Drive safely.  Do not text while driving.  Do not goof around with your friends while driving.  Do not forget to look out for children and dogs running in to the street.  Watch out for other cars.  Do not drink and drive.  Always wear your seatbelt.  Never go above the speed limit.  It is better to wait then to zip your car through an intersection.  Watch out for poor road conditions.  And always, ALWAYS come home safely.  PLEASE.  COME HOME SAFELY.

Jesus, won’t you take the wheel?

Have you had to teach someone to drive?  Do you have any funny stories, horror stories or advice?!