It Was Only A Matter Of Time « Shoot Me Now

Shoot Me NowIt Was Only A Matter Of Time

It Was Only A Matter Of Time
Published on Sunday, March 20, 2016 by

I knew it would happen. During what my son calls his “heart shenanigans” I had to stay too strong to allow myself anything but a few tears. When I am on Mom duty I am rock solid, saving the melting down for later. It was only a matter of time.

It happened in a hospital where I came face to face with an intubated young man whose mother was desperately holding his hand just as I had held my son’s. I stood staring at what was ultimately myself. I felt the pain of his mother. The anxiety. The gut wrenching fear.

Escaping to a hallway, I cried. I prayed for the boy. I prayed for the mother. I cried some more. Then I went outside to walk, breathe and attempt to get myself together.

When I arrived home that afternoon I was numb. Trying to stick to “normal,” I began to open mail. There was a large envelope addressed to my son that looked like a standard health insurance statement. Being the “keeper of the insurance and bills” I opened it only to find the following:

heart care directive

Really?? REALLY??!?!?! And on THAT day, of ALL days!??? I put the pamphlet down, walked out to my deck and cried some more.

My son and I had a long talk that night. The discussion led to my fear of going back to the beach house this month. It was there that I was told of his cardiac arrest. I haven’t been back since.

“I don’t want to ever go back. When I walk in I will see everything I left in my rush to get back to Virginia. I’ll remember the policeman at the door at four in the morning. The same sheets will be on the bed. The painting I was working on will still be propped in the corner. It will be nothing but bad memories of the worst moment of my life.”

My son very calmly replied, “Mom. If you don’t go back to the beach house I will never forgive you. It is the place we both love the most. Look at it this way. Every time you pick up something you had thrown down, think of it as the final cleanup from a horrible time. It is your opportunity to pick up the last of the bad and make everything normal again.”

Tell me… how did I end up with such a wise son?!

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  • Sorry for the delay in commenting…had trouble getting the comment section to work. I am having trouble on my site as well, so it’s not anything to do with your blog.

    Awww…my heart so goes out to you on how you are feeling. As a mom, I lose my sh** when my kids have a cold let alone something as serious as you have had to deal with. Years ago, I got a call from the hospital on my daughter’s college campus telling me she had a heart condition as well. Again, not even close to what you have had to deal with but still it threw me into an ocean of worry. I am figuratively hugging you from afar.

    It does sound like you have a very wise son. I wish you both the best that life can bring your way.

    • I hope your daughter is OK! How FRIGHTENING to get a call while she is away in college. It is enough to take a few years off of our own lives from worry! You raise your kids to leave you…. but you never stop the worry. I’ve already learned that!

      • She is fine. Somewhere down the road she will need a repair for a mitral valve prolapse but this is supposedly routine. Isn’t that the truth about worry. They are always our children and always our worry.

  • Ron

    Katherine, I just want to say a big BRAVO to your very wise and understanding son. And I love the words he used to express what he said.

    I can so totally understand your feelings because what you went through as a mother (even though I’m not a parent, let alone a mother) had to of been such a heart and gut wrenching experience of worry and helplessness.

    I agree with what your son expressed even though I know going back to the beach house for you must be scary, and I think it’s perfectly normal for anyone who went through what you did on that day. But he’s right, it’s also a way to put it all behind you and make everything normal again. And I honestly think that because the beach house for you is a place where you always find much peace and enjoyment, it will also bring you much healing.

    Sending ya a BIG hug, my friend!

    ((((((((((((((((((( YOU )))))))))))))))))


    • I got all choked up reading this. The weekend is done and I survived it. The thing that made it all right is he was actually able to come down Sunday. He was SO happy to be back that his smile never left his face. Which helped my heart to begin healing!

  • Katherine, I echo Ron and Cheryl’s sentiments. You do have a wise son and I agree with him. You do need to go back and put things to rights again. It is your sanctuary and your place of peace. So go back and live your life, thank God for everything and be happy!

    • Linda, I am back and it turned out to be magical. The hardest part was the drive down. But when we were almost there we stopped for our regular BBQ and who should walk in but neighbors from down there. The friendly faces put me at ease. The BIG part was David actually got two days off in a row and was able to come Sunday. We saw WHALES!… Very rare. We drove on the 4×4 section of the beach for fun (where the wild horses are.. but they were hiding) and we had Easter dinner together. What an amazing time. This weekend he doesn’t have his defib vest on and won’t be down. One more hurdle!

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