It Was Only A Matter Of Time « Shoot Me Now

Shoot Me NowIt Was Only A Matter Of Time

It Was Only A Matter Of Time
Published on Sunday, March 20, 2016 by

I knew it would happen. During what my son calls his “heart shenanigans” I had to stay too strong to allow myself anything but a few tears. When I am on Mom duty I am rock solid, saving the melting down for later. It was only a matter of time.

It happened in a hospital where I came face to face with an intubated young man whose mother was desperately holding his hand just as I had held my son’s. I stood staring at what was ultimately myself. I felt the pain of his mother. The anxiety. The gut wrenching fear.

Escaping to a hallway, I cried. I prayed for the boy. I prayed for the mother. I cried some more. Then I went outside to walk, breathe and attempt to get myself together.

When I arrived home that afternoon I was numb. Trying to stick to “normal,” I began to open mail. There was a large envelope addressed to my son that looked like a standard health insurance statement. Being the “keeper of the insurance and bills” I opened it only to find the following:

heart care directive

Really?? REALLY??!?!?! And on THAT day, of ALL days!??? I put the pamphlet down, walked out to my deck and cried some more.

My son and I had a long talk that night. The discussion led to my fear of going back to the beach house this month. It was there that I was told of his cardiac arrest. I haven’t been back since.

“I don’t want to ever go back. When I walk in I will see everything I left in my rush to get back to Virginia. I’ll remember the policeman at the door at four in the morning. The same sheets will be on the bed. The painting I was working on will still be propped in the corner. It will be nothing but bad memories of the worst moment of my life.”

My son very calmly replied, “Mom. If you don’t go back to the beach house I will never forgive you. It is the place we both love the most. Look at it this way. Every time you pick up something you had thrown down, think of it as the final cleanup from a horrible time. It is your opportunity to pick up the last of the bad and make everything normal again.”

Tell me… how did I end up with such a wise son?!

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