Ladies, come close and listen up. I’ve found the product of my dreams. The answer to my prayers. The lift to my drop. <queuing music and voice echo application> For I have seen the Invisilifts Commercial </queueing music and voice echo application>.
Imagine me at 2 in the morning, womanly parts happily sitting on my lap. And then the Invisilifts infomercial comes on. Images of saggy women whose chests magically lift to their chins start flashing before my eyes. They can GO that high? Who knew that once you have a perfect lift, your stomach and back will lose all signs of bulges. A bonus!
And guess what else? They come with PASTIES. Little mini pads that stick smack dab in the middle of your new, happy real estate. Smooth doesn’t even begin to describe your new cantaloupe look.
My mind began racing. Simply peel off the backing, stick ‘em on and then BLOOP – up they go! (I can only imagine the sound would be BLOOP.)
But let’s not stop there. Let’s go all the way, shall we? My rear end parts are screaming for Invisilifts. Peel, slap on, BLOOP! BLOOP! (That’s one for each cheek.)
OK, so I am perky in front and perky in back. How about my belly? Maybe I need to connect a few of those suckers and stick them above the bikini line. BLOOOOOOP!
Slowly, I am becoming unable to breath. Yet I can’t stop. Two to the side of the face. Peel. Stick. Bloop Bloop. Ish hard tawk wike dis.
The final result? I am tight. I am lifted. I am… I am… in pain! Oh PLEASE tell me they sell Invisilifts removal cream. PLEASE. Breathe and rip. Breathe Breathe BREATHE! Ignore the blood. The skin will regenerate, won’t it?