I’m a Failure

Published on Sunday, November 18, 2012 by Katherine

This weekend I found myself at home rather than away. You know what that means, don’t you? Sigh. It means I have no excuses. Time to clean.

Three hours in to sweeping, picking up, sorting and marveling at how wrecked things have gotten around me I came to a realization.

Other than being a mother, for which I am truly blessed, I have not done anything in my life that I had wanted to do. The “regular, non-weekend” life I lead isn’t me. AT ALL.

To say my potential hasn’t been reached is an understatement.

I am not sharing this revelation in order to receive comments such as, “Oh Katherine, you aren’t a failure!” or “Cheer up Katherine, everything will be OK!”

I’m sharing this simply because, “It is what it is.”

I can’t take my life back. I can’t take my decisions back. And there are plenty of mistakes I’ve made that simply cannot be fixed.

The question is, where do I go from here? There is too much water under the bridge for me to fix what has already been done. Some of my roadblocks can be fixed with money, but making that money is yet another “missed potential.”

Thinking about my failures has not brought me to a state of depression. Rather, I feel like I am on the outside looking in, observing the facts and acknowledging them for what they are.

I don’t have any answers. I feel like I’m in the middle of a tornado that is swirling dangerously around me. I can’t control the tornado, nor can I get out.