I’m a Failure « Shoot Me Now

Shoot Me NowI’m a Failure

I’m a Failure
Published on Sunday, November 18, 2012 by

This weekend I found myself at home rather than away.  You know what that means, don’t you?  Sigh.  It means I have no excuses.  Time to clean.

Three hours in to sweeping, picking up, sorting and marveling at how wrecked things have gotten around me I came to a realization.

Other than being a mother, for which I am truly blessed, I have not done anything in my life that I had wanted to do.  The “regular, non-weekend” life I lead isn’t me.  AT ALL.

To say my potential hasn’t been reached is an understatement.

I am not sharing this revelation in order to receive comments such as, “Oh Katherine, you aren’t a failure!” or “Cheer up Katherine, everything will be OK!”

I’m sharing this simply because, “It is what it is.”

I can’t take my life back.  I can’t take my decisions back.  And there are plenty of mistakes I’ve made that simply cannot be fixed.

The question is, where do I go from here?  There is too much water under the bridge for me to fix what has already been done.  Some of my roadblocks can be fixed with money, but making that money is yet another “missed potential.”

Thinking about my failures has not brought me to a state of depression.  Rather, I feel like I am on the outside looking in, observing the facts and acknowledging them for what they are.

I don’t have any answers.  I feel like I’m in the middle of a tornado that is swirling dangerously around me.  I can’t control the tornado, nor can I get out.

caught in a tornado

Perhaps that is the answer.  Control.

I’m going to think about this one.  A lot.  How do I get back in control.  Or is it actually too late?  Indeed, there is quite a lot to think about.

Do you feel like you have reached your own potential?  In many ways, or just a few?

mom blog

  • Mel

    I’ve had moments of ‘this is it?’. Invariably the Big Guy conjures up something and moves me to the next moment–in my world they’re called AFGOs. (Another Freaking Growth Opportunity)

    I think it’s good to stand on the outside of ME and look–it helps me recognize what IS. And I get to decide if that’s what I’m really about.

    I am not done growing–but I ain’t where I was…. Sometimes, for me, it’s about celebrating what isn’t and deciding what next step I’m willing to take….and then taking it, no matter how scary. Sounds to me like you’re at that ‘jumping off point’.


    Just sayin’…….

    • I am looking for my cliff right now… and I’m ready to jump off it screaming AFGO all the way!!!! I love that!!!!
      What you wrote, “it helps me recognize what IS.” That is where I am at now. So from here… I need to figure out what “will be”… or what I would LIKE “will be” to be. Did that make sense?

  • I occassionally get into the mindset that I “should of, could of” done more than what I have done. I always took J-O-B-S as opposed to careers because I picked my work to mesh with my family. I always wanted to be a mom and wife first and working was something I did to contribute. Even though, I had some sucess in my outside work, I always thought it got in the way of me being June Cleaver. That’s what I wanted to be …something like Harriet Nelson or Carol Brady.
    Now as I age I think maybe I missed some opportunities but I did play a major role in bringing up two really nice people and being (hopefully) a good partner to a good man.
    Some woman could claim far worse outcomes to their lives.
    My hope for you… if there is something you are dearly wanting to accomplish,… that you do it but don’t diminish your role in the life you have led to this point. I bet you have underestimated your role in the world.

    • Cheryl, those are really wise words. THANK YOU. If I were asked what is the most important thing I felt I could do in life, it would be to raise amazing kids. I have raised THREE amazing kids, all different, all kind, all generous, and yet each so different. And they aren’t even done growing yet. So honestly, the “big goal” is something I am proud of. VERY proud of. I’ve given up so much to help them succeed and I would not have it ANY other way. I needed that reminder!!! Being a mother is one thing I do very well – so I need to remember this important part of it all!

  • Alura001

    It’s funny, there were two things that I said (in my teens) that I NEVER wanted to do… get married and have kids. The only two things I’ve done in my life? Get married and have a kid. *sigh I didn’t finish college, I needed to go to work and the skills I had were secretarial and so I’ve lived for the last 20+ years paycheck-to-paycheck and have lived in crappy apartments in “the bad part of town”.

    My last Wasband (yup, failed at marriage…more than once) never had a job the entire 12+ years we were together.

    I’m now in my mid-40’s… I’ve accepted that I will never own a home. I’ve accepted that secretarial work is “as good as it gets” for me. I’ve accepted that I am never going to get married again. But there is a part of me that is angry that I have “settled”. And I can’t go back and fix the mistakes made, so, like you, find myself wondering “what now?” Do I have to accept that things just aren’t EVER going to be any better/different because of the choices I’ve made thusfar? If I come up with an answer to that, I’ll let you know.

    (BTW, I don’t want/expect sympathy for my situation, either. I just wanted to say “I get it”)

    • It made me feel so good to hear your words, yet of course sad that there are others in this same type of situation. There never seems to be that “break” that we need, and we work SO hard. I really don’t know where to begin as far as change. I don’t have enough money to make some of the HUGE changes I need… and there is so much around me that needs to be taken care of I don’t know where to start. I think it’s good I’m feeling like I’m on the outside looking in, because if I was INSIDE looking IN I think I would break down! 🙂
      Hang in there, you aren’t alone. Your words meant a great deal to me!

  • “Thinking about my failures has not brought me to a state of depression. Rather, I feel like I am on the outside looking in, observing the facts and acknowledging them for what they are.”

    Well I am glad this isn’t making you depressed. And if it helps, I am also going through an introspective phase and not loving all that I’m learning about myself. I have NOT reached my potential. And I keep letting bullshit get in the way. And I don’t like it. No one little bit. And much like you, I feel like I need to take back my control. Only I’m not 100% sure how.

    • Meleah, that is EXACTLY how I feel! And I am sure our health issues are not helping the matter. I let WAY too much BS get in the way. And trying to take control… just like you said… HOW??

      • If I figure it out, I’ll let you know!

        And also, I do believe our health issues play a big role in this.

  • While I have no major complaints with my life, is it perfect? No. I can understand where you are coming from. I took the easy road early in life and therefore do not have a prestigious 4-year degree. Would I change the past? I don’t know. But you’re right, there are no take backs, just moving forward. I was looking through quotes and found one that read “Failure is an event, not a person.”

    You said that being a mother is something you have done very well. That is a huge accomplishment and not everyone who is a “mother” can say that. Being a mother goes far beyond the biologic aspect. It takes hard work, sacrifice and dedication. Gold medals should be given to all the great moms. If I ever turn out to be half the woman my mother was I will have succeeded in life. Your children may say the same thing about you some day.

    • Wow Linda… I am practically in tears… what beautiful and encouraging words. I love “Failure is an event, not a person.” I think I need to write that down and keep it in my wallet… bringing it out once in a while to remind myself.

      Have you written about your Mom? I would love to hear more… there is no bond I think quite like a mother and a daughter.

      THANK YOU for your wise words!

  • Monu

    Making money is not a “missed potential”. Try this out http://www.quickrich4you.blogspot.in/

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