If You Could Only See… « Shoot Me Now

Shoot Me NowIf You Could Only See…

If You Could Only See…
Published on Monday, June 28, 2010 by

Orange Moon

If you could only see this moon.  Full with a deep orange hue, slowly rising over the dark ocean water.

Just a few days ago I was at home crying, overwhelmed at just how out of control things have gotten.  At how I am so behind on bills that I know I will never catch up.  At how I am driving a dangerous car, at how I can’t afford to send my kids to Catholic school anymore, and at how the bill collectors are memorizing my number as we speak.  At how I need $1,500.  FAST.

At how my house is so beat up that I can’t stand living in it anymore, much less having other people over.  I miss inviting friends for a home-grilled summer dinner.  I miss being proud of my house.  I hate the fact that I can’t even buy a can of paint.

At how my children have no clothes that fit.  At how simply buying a bag of socks for one of them is a huge triumph.  At how my clothes are faded and worn, my hair is horrendous because I can’t pay to get it cut and at how every pair of socks I own have holes in the toes.

At how my dog was dying in front of me, unable to eat or drink – and at how the vet wants to run tests that I can’t afford.  At how I may have to make a very hard decision very soon.   And at how this all happened the day before we all left for vacation at the beach house.

I had not slept for a week.

So here I am in Corolla.  It’s Sunday and I am blessed to have four more full days here before leaving Friday night.  I’ve got my children with me, my mother, her cousin, my brother and his two wonderful girls.  It’s a full house alright.

For now, pain pills are allowing my dog to eat and walk again, if not with a little spring in her step.  The time away from tree pollen and grass is a blessing.  As is the view of her sitting on the deck literally smiling as the breeze blows back her sweet soft ears.

And I am temporarily away from THE BAD.  Every once in a while the thoughts creep back in to my head.  When they do, I immediately run them out by breathing in a chest full of salty air.  I grab my daughter’s hand and in to the amazingly clear and beautiful ocean we run.

How lucky I am to have three healthy children, a wonderful family and an escape that is about as close to heaven as you can get.  My daughter and I have literally thanked God out loud daily for the warm waters, the white sand and the glorious sunshine.

I am officially on my escape.  And it could not have come a moment too soon.  Briefly I was disappointed that I was starting a vacation with so much on my back.  But then I realized this is probably exactly when it needed to be.

So I plan to embrace every day.  Every hour.  Every minute.  Every second.  And I’m going to hold this time close to my heart for as long as I possibly can.

If you could only see this moon.  Full with a deep orange hue, slowly rising over the dark ocean water.

Corolla Orange Moon from shootmenowblog on Vimeo.

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  • Sometimes life is just hard. I read somewhere that when you have a moment of bliss, remember that moment when everything falls apart. It is rough when you can't afford anything. I am in the same boat. But like you said, you have healthy children and just hang on to that. Don't forget to laugh.

    • I had my moment of bliss yesterday – I just posted it. I have to hold it tight to me!!!!

  • I;m so glad you have an escape. Life can be so overwhelming and I'm glad you have this time to recharge. I hope things get better when you return. xoxo

    • Thank you!!! I wish everyone could come down here and we could have a big beach blogger party!

  • I really do understand your pain. When I had two babies, no education beyond high school, an ex husband who “forgot” the child support check most of the time, a poorly paying menial job, and bills up the ying yang, I got so overwhelmed too. But, you make it through somehow. It's not easy but it will get better. Katherine, you have your kids and things will work out. I am so sorry about your pup. My old girl Honey is not well either and believe it or not, all the tests aren't going to change that for Honey. She's old and has bad arthritis. When the pain meds aren't enough for her, we will do the right thing for her, but it breaks my heart. Enjoy your beach days Sweetheart. Things will get better.

    • Oh boy do I have tears in my eyes now. Tell me what you give Honey for arthritis! I think bottom line that is what is wrong with Dottie. She has it in her spinal column. I think that is what her pain is. I have her on tramadyl (spelling) – two three times a day PLUS just for this week I'm giving her an ibuprofin a day. When I get back I'm going to tell the vet I'm sure that is the source of her pain after watching her this week. Her eating and potty habits are normal when she is on the pain meds. I am giving her a fish oil a day. What do you use?

      • Katherine, we have Honey on Rimadyl (50 mg/ 2 times a day) and Tramadol (50 mg/ or 100 mg, up to 3 times a day), and another joint pain reliever (Osteo 3). While it still hard for her to get up and down stairs (and we have stairs) or in and out of the car without help, she still does okay most of the time. She's a big girl (about 80 pounds) and needs to lose a little weight which would make it easier on her joints. I had an acupuncturist for a while for her and not sure if it helped or not (and at $100 an hour, without measurable results, just too damned expensive). Honey has arthritis all up her back too, but the hips are the worst. Bless their hearts! Keep Dottie on her the pain meds. If these girls get hooked, we'll send them to rehab together!

        • LOL I say with Dottie being 12 or 13 (rescue so we don't know) that she can get as addicted as she wants! She is on Tramadol now and if I don't give her two three times a day she whimpers… 🙁 I don't have any other arthritis meds for her, but I am giving her fish oil. We just got back in town so Tuesday I will call the vet and get more Tramadol and ask about Rimadyl and osteo 3… plus see if there is something else they recommend. I want to try acupuncture for my gastroparesis… never thought about it for a dog LOL! But if it helped her, I would be SO there. The beach house stairs are overwhelming… now that we are home the only stairs she has to negotiate are three at a time, for outside either front or back door.

          Do regular short walks help? Dottie seems to not want to walk, but about an hour after pain meds she is more perky and seems better after the walk. I had to take her on walks several times a day to go potty – she seemed better once I got her out. Maybe simply because it is SO fun to smell everyone else's pee… but I was thinking having her move around helped.

      • Katherine,
        I am so sorry to hear about your dog's condition. If she has arthritis, it is possible that glucosamine might help. There is a liquid form that I took for a while when I thought my issues were joint related. Turns out they were just severely strained muscles. This product is formulated for humans and animals. Here is the website. Of course you should read all the information and check with your vet before trying it.

        I took this for about 18 months with no ill effects whatsoever. Good luck with Dottie.

        • Also if you try it, here is the cheaper place. Got mixed up when looking at my records.


          • Thank you SO MUCH! I will get some!!!! I bought some dog bones meant for joint pain… but they won't last long and were kind of expensive… I'll get on it next pay check!

  • You definitely need to relax and enjoy your vacation. Maybe the time away will allow you to get some perspective that may help. You have a wonderful family and you should definitely enjoy them. I am so sorry to hear about your dog. That is definitely not helping your emotional state. Hopefully you will come out the other side of this soon.

    • Thank you so much. I know everyone goes through this – we all have our crosses – when things are bad it can be hard to get perspective. Fortunately yesterday morning (I just put a post up on it) there was a huge moment of perspective… I have to hold that time TIGHT when I return!

  • Oh Katherine, I'm sending big hugs your way. I'm glad you're able to spend a little time at the beach. What a beautiful moon! I've had a few times where I just thought everything was piling up on me…days when it was extremely hard to find something to be thankful for. Hoping things get better for you soon! Enjoy that beautiful moon while you're at the beach!

    • You are my hero when it comes to being positive when things are hard. You are such a great Mom and you are facing so much with little apple… It's hard sometimes, isn't it!

  • “So I plan to embrace every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. And I’m going to hold this time close to my heart for as long as I possibly can.”

    And that IS exactly what you need to do. Here's hoping when you get back from vacation you will find the light at the end of the overwhelming tunnel.

    • I think the light is far away – but one day I'll find it I'm sure…. I just put a post up about a miraculous Monday – actually I think THAT was the light – a reminder that money is just money – and that LIFE is what is important.

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