I have just spent 30 minutes typing a new blog post. Only to realize I better not publish it. Because it involved situations and people that are not in my home circle. And that could be bad.
So I will get to the bottom line here. I beat myself up too much. I worry too much. I skip meals due to my flippy-floppy stomach, caused by worry worry worry. I have had about five hours sleep each night for the past three nights, simply because I can’t let things go that I should let go. I need to forget ugly things people say who don’t even know me or my children. I also need to realize that not everything is going to be bad. That sometimes, news is pretty darn amazing when you least expect it.
Why can’t I let things go that I can’t control? And why do I worry so much about what other people think? Not people in my circle, but people who have nothing to do with me? What matters is my family, my friends… they know me, they love me and they know the truth. And even better, God knows the truth. Other people do-not-matter.
But I have always been this way. I have always wanted everyone to like me. I am non-confrontational. I am patient, forgiving and calm in most storms. But often times, when I know there is friction, the storm starts inside of me. It turns my stomach into a rock that moves between nausea and pain. This is not healthy. My mind knows it doesn’t matter what goes on outside of my family and friends. I’m smart enough to recognize that. But then my worry kicks in.
Please, somebody smack me. Shake my brain so all the worry and stupid stuff will fall out. So I can get back on track again. So I can eat and sleep again. Ugh.
You know, I think I should be more like Jen and talk to myself out loud. Or be like little Brick on The Middle who speaks a sentence, looks down and then mumbles something in to his chest. I like those ideas. Anything to get it OUT of me, right?
Yup, I think I’m going to start whispering like Brick does on The Middle. <yessss I willlll> Not only will I get everything out that needs to come out <outttt>, but people might think I’m crazy and choose not to talk to me altogether! <togettthhherrrrr>
Don’t worry, it all turns out alright, and he keeps whispering. <whissssperinnnnggg> And Santa gives him presents. <preeeeessennntttttsss!> As for me? I think I will be OK. <okkkayyyyyyyy!>