A Party In My Mouth « Shoot Me Now

Shoot Me NowA Party In My Mouth

A Party In My Mouth
Published on Tuesday, July 13, 2010 by

My neighborhood is surrounded by water.  We often see raccoon, cicadas, voles, snakes and even the dreaded palmetto bug.

Alright, let’s be honest.  Palmetto bug is simply a fancy name for a Giant American Freaking Cockroach.  They live near the water, they freaking FLY and when it gets really rainy we occasionally find one inside.

Let me set the stage.  Last night there were several neighborhood boys in the house.  My mother had just left and I was getting ready to go to bed.   But I was hungry.  Hmmmm.  What to eat that is healthy.  I know!  There is some Special K Strawberry Cereal in the cabinet!

I opened the cabinet and grabbed the box.   Being the amazingly polite person that I am, I reached in and grabbed a handful while getting the bowl out.  Crunch crunch.  Mmmmm.  Yum.  As I was chewing I lifted the box and began pouring my cereal in to the bowl.

It only took a moment for the Giant American Freaking Cockroach to fall in to the bowl on top of my cereal.  The cereal that was in my mouth.  * PLINK!*  Look Ma!  I got a toy in my bowl!

giant cockroach

“POOOWAHHH!  PLAHHHH!  PHATOOWAHHH!” as I frantically spat in to the sink.  Chugging water directly from the faucet!  Spitting!  Crying out, “DAAAVID!!  COME KILLL THIS THINGGGGG!”  “POOOOOWAHHHHHHHHH PLAHHHHH!”  LAUGHING!  CRYING!  TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!

In my utter panic and disbelief I had thrown the box over the bowl.  “DAVID!!  DAVID!!  DAVID!!  It’s in there!  It’s in there!  GET HIM!  PHATOOOWAH.”  All the boys had come running and encircled the bowl.

But then I stopped everybody in their tracks.  “WAIT!  I have to take a picture for the blog!”  “PHATOOOWAH.  PFT.”

NO ONE can say that I am not dedicated, right?

I was told very firmly by my son that taking a picture was NOT a good idea.  But I didn’t listen.  “Just open it a little.  I’ve got the camera right here and….. ““PHATOOOWAH.  PLAH.”

“MOM he got OUT!”

Scuttling.  Running.  Screaming.  Four teenage boys literally flipping my couch completely upside-down.  But the darn thing went in to the bowels of my microfiber couch.  Now he is set for life.  Sunflower seeds, boogers and crumbs.  He was in Palmetto Bug Heaven.  He will NEVER come out.

After brushing my teeth about a hundred times and spitting even more I went off to bed.  “PHATOOOWAH.  SHIRFFLE.”    Shuttering still.  Cringing inside.  Shuttering some more.

In the morning I found a note left out on the kitchen counter.  “12:45 a.m.  He came out.  I killed him.  You are safe.”

But am I?  From what my co-workers say, I now have eggs embedded in to my tongue.  And when they hatch, the baby Giant American Freaking Cockroaches will crawl up in to my brain.  And I don’t think anyone can save me then.  “PLAHHH.”

mom blog

  • JoyACookin

    Kinderd spirits, of a sort. I was just chatting with a friend tonight, telling her of a book I read called Kockroach. A cockroach awakens one morning to find himself transformed into a . . . human.A very good book, actually. It would be easy to empathize with a cat or a dog; we do it all the time. But to be able to empathize with a cockroach, now that's good writing!

    • That sounds like a really interesting book! I actually felt bad for the guy when I saw the note. He was just trying to eat… minding his own business and all of the sudden he was poured out in to someone's snack bowl. Then a bunch of kids chased him around….I might have to check out that book!

  • Joecap3

    Yum!! Protein!

    • Are you referring to the babies eating my brain, or to me getting protein myself? ha ha!

  • OK, I fainted but managed to revive myself to the point where I can comment.

    How are you even alive? Are you going to get a mouth transplant? This is the most horrifying thing I have read, EVER. Giant cockroaches . . . that FLY! Into your MOUTH? Oh, my god.

    *faints*

    • My life has since then been a series of memory recall and fainting. I LOVE your idea of a mouth transplant!!! I didn't get the flying guy in my mouth, but his feet and parts were all over the cereal I was eating, I am sure. Which makes me think eggs, which makes me <faint>

  • Now, it coulda been worse! You could have had half a cockroach fall in your bowl of cereal. My husband is mortally afraid of roaches. I'm not afraid of them, but not enchanted with them either. Alex runs screaming like a girl when he sees one.

    • Ha ha! Kind of like, “What is worse than a worm in your apple? Half a worm!” You are right – that is what the boys were saying. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t put that thing in your MOUTH!” Why yes, I am VERY glad. But his little feet were walking all over the cereal that was IN my mouth. And other things… oh boy I can’t talk about that.

      I tend to be the one who gets critters and things out… but I save them rather than kill them. Moths, lightening bugs, you name it. I “could” have caught the guy and have done it before, and yes I would have let him out (is that dumb?) but I have to use the teenage boys for SOMETHING!

    • Ha ha! Kind of like, “What is worse than a worm in your apple? Half a worm!” You are right – that is what the boys were saying. “Aren't you glad you didn't put that thing in your MOUTH!” Why yes, I am VERY glad. But his little feet were walking all over the cereal that was IN my mouth. And other things… oh boy I can't talk about that.

      I tend to be the one who gets critters and things out… but I save them rather than kill them. Moths, lightening bugs, you name it. I “could” have caught the guy and have done it before, and yes I would have let him out (is that dumb?) but I have to use the teenage boys for SOMETHING!

      • I too save things. Except mosquitoes! They get no mercy. But spiders, flies, bees, ants, mice all get reprieves, a good talking to, and being gently but firmly escorted outside. I love those macho teen boys who took terminal care of your flying friend!

        • I laughed out loud at the talking to that you give them! I do that too!!! I thought I was the only one that saves spiders. After all, spiders kill mosquitoes, which yes, I slap too! And ticks…. they are DEAD MEAT around me.

  • Oh GROSSS!!! Oh eeewwwww!!!

    I may never be able to eat that without thinking of this. ICK!

    Have you stopped gagging yet?

    M

    • NO…. I HAVE NOT STOPPED GAGGING YET!!! Seriously actually! I forget about it, then I think about it and then I gag and have the urge to spit…. and i don't spit!!! 😉 ALL the cereal was tossed that night. Haven't seen once since – it doesn't happen much, maybe three times a year – but in my head, every time I see a shadow I freak!!!

  • As I was reading this I saw a dark shadow on the sofa. Jumped up to get the insecticide only to find out it was the strap of a knapsack waving in the air.
    ewww.. make that a triple ewwww. I can stand almost every other bug except roaches! hope you've not brushed off a layer of your tongue yet..
    Thanks for stopping by my blog.

    • Hi Ginger! You know what, I have jumped several times over the past few days, thinking I saw something crawling. It has always been a bit of dog hair, maybe a food wrapper from the kids…. I would die if they decided to call my house home! I think the guy was just visiting from the rain…. too bad it was a one way trip!

  • umm yeah… I looked up palmetto bug. it's just a damn cockroach…

    I would have DIED! On the bright side – you didn't put IT in your mouth!

    • Yup, I wikipedia’d it that night… same reaction. Palmetto bug… GIANT AMERICAN COCKROACH!

    • Yup, I wikipedia'd it that night… same reaction. Palmetto bug… GIANT AMERICAN COCKROACH!

  • Crawling things I can deal with. Shit that flies — NO WAY! I would have asphyxiated everyone with the emptying of an entire spray can on Raid. Yes, you do indeed need a mouth transplant now. There is simply no other way.

    • So now the question is… whose mouth should I get or attempt to get? I see another blog post!

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  • Very amusing!!! Wonder how these creepy crawlies get into the boxes. Paper not tough enough?

    • I can answer your question with two words. TEENAGE BOY. They don't know how to close the bag and they certainly don't know how to close the box! That sucker was WIDE OPEN for anyone who wanted to crawl in! ACK!

  • I cried just now for you when I read this. We went to one of our favorite breakfast diners in Toronto a few months back and there was a cockroach crawling on the floor by my purse. I was SO afraid it was going to hop in and come home with us. I still get chills just thinking about it. *shudder*

    • I had a similar experience! I was afraid my purse would have eggs on the bottom! And just imagine the kitchen… ughhhhhh. Wait, people might be imagining MY kitchen! I promise it was a one time thing! Otherwise I would have burned the whole thing down by now. So far, no fire engines!

    • I had a similar experience! I was afraid my purse would have eggs on the bottom! And just imagine the kitchen… ughhhhhh. Wait, people might be imagining MY kitchen! I promise it was a one time thing! Otherwise I would have burned the whole thing down by now. So far, no fire engines!

  • Melissa

    I feel your pain……I live and grew up in South florida and the Palmetto Bug is everywhere here. I had to hide the picture in your post as I can't even look at those things without wanting to scream. I may have to sleep with the light on tonight. Oh and the open box of Raisin Bran on top of the fridge is going straight out to the trash.

    • I threw away ALL the cereal – even the unopened stuff! I will never look at cereal the same way again. Melissa… ERIN says you have a good story for us… about emptying a can of RAID in the bathroom and seeing something in the morning???? Yessss….??????

  • Erin

    Ask Melissa about the bug she emptied a can of raid on while she was in the bathroom one night. In the morning, things were not what she expected. I crack up just thinking about it! Tell them, Melissa! LOL…

    • Melissa Melissa Melissa… TELL US!!!!

      • Melissa

        Ok Ok , it turned out to be a dust bunny. But late at night it looked really dangerous. And it was in the living room not the bathroom. Erin had one in her bathroom that she thought she killed and made me come look at it. Needless to say it came back to life. Ughhhhhh…..

  • sheilasultani

    My son saw one of those things in his bathroom 3 years ago and hasn't gone in there since. REFUSES to use that bathroom. I also have to keep a can of bug killer in every single room. What makes all of this worse is the book my son brought home called “Shoebag” A story about a cockroach named Shoebag and his family – now every time I smoosh the life out of one of those suckers I am racked with guilt because I probably just killed some poor little cockroaches mommy or daddy who was just out trying to scrounge up some crumbs to feed his starving family.

    • HYSTERICAL! I kind of felt bad my cereal dude got smashed… he really did look me in the eye when he was in my bowl! I hope your son found another bathroom? LOL!

      And from what I heard, you killed Shoebag's Mommy! ha ha!

  • Oh wow it gave me goosebumps because I really hate cockroach. This post really gave me something to ponder too.

  • ahah great storypic

  • OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would have DIED! Only to come back to life – scream my head off – and then die all over again!

  • Ewwwww. While I think you are probably fine, the trauma alone may send you into therapy for forever.

    • I SHOULD go to therapy… but I guess so many bizarre things like that happen to me I might be numb by it all. Did I mention the time I found a fingernail in the corned beef hash I was eating in a restaurant…? UGGGHHHH!!!!!

  • puglette

    oh ewwww!!!! i can just imagine! i would have torn the couch apart looking for that sucker. or i would have made hubby do it.

    there is a cable show “inedible to incredible” that you should have your mom record for you. there was a woman that put strawberry special k in her hamburgers. she thought that was something special.
    hugs,
    puglette
    :o)

    • I wish you could see my crooked mouth right now… kind of like a “whah?!” look…. Special K in hamburgers? Hmmm… thinking about that one. I can see cereal and meat b/c of meatloaf. I can see cherries/strawberries/peaches with chicken type dishes… but mixing SWEET cereal and hamburger and STRAWBERRIES? Ewwwww… might as well pour strawberry syrup on your burger!

  • I will have nightmares about this for the next 8.3 days, I'm positive. And I will go Sherlock Holmes on my cereal for the rest of my life.

    • Thank you for the HUGE laugh…. Sherlock Holmes on your cereal…. that is a GOOD one! I actually was pouring pasta today and doing a “Sherlock Holmes.” I haven't seen any guys since that rain… but now I'm paranoid!

  • Great info. Thank you for sharing …

    I’ve bookmarked this because I found it interesting. I would be

    very interested to hear more news on this. Thanks!

    I think you are probably fine, the trauma alone may send you into therapy for forever.

  • You know what you have to do of course, you must burn your house down. Sorry, there is no other way to get rid of all those cockroach eggs.

    • Hmmm…. if I could do it so insurance wouldn't know…. and get a new house built… hmmmm thinking thinking thinking….

  • JT Locke

    Ok….I may never eat a bowl of cereal again! We have those oversized cockroaches down here in West Texas. Gives me the shivers just thinking about it!

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