A Party In My Mouth « Shoot Me Now

Shoot Me NowA Party In My Mouth

A Party In My Mouth
Published on Tuesday, July 13, 2010 by

My neighborhood is surrounded by water.  We often see raccoon, cicadas, voles, snakes and even the dreaded palmetto bug.

Alright, let’s be honest.  Palmetto bug is simply a fancy name for a Giant American Freaking Cockroach.  They live near the water, they freaking FLY and when it gets really rainy we occasionally find one inside.

Let me set the stage.  Last night there were several neighborhood boys in the house.  My mother had just left and I was getting ready to go to bed.   But I was hungry.  Hmmmm.  What to eat that is healthy.  I know!  There is some Special K Strawberry Cereal in the cabinet!

I opened the cabinet and grabbed the box.   Being the amazingly polite person that I am, I reached in and grabbed a handful while getting the bowl out.  Crunch crunch.  Mmmmm.  Yum.  As I was chewing I lifted the box and began pouring my cereal in to the bowl.

It only took a moment for the Giant American Freaking Cockroach to fall in to the bowl on top of my cereal.  The cereal that was in my mouth.  * PLINK!*  Look Ma!  I got a toy in my bowl!

giant cockroach

“POOOWAHHH!  PLAHHHH!  PHATOOWAHHH!” as I frantically spat in to the sink.  Chugging water directly from the faucet!  Spitting!  Crying out, “DAAAVID!!  COME KILLL THIS THINGGGGG!”  “POOOOOWAHHHHHHHHH PLAHHHHH!”  LAUGHING!  CRYING!  TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!

In my utter panic and disbelief I had thrown the box over the bowl.  “DAVID!!  DAVID!!  DAVID!!  It’s in there!  It’s in there!  GET HIM!  PHATOOOWAH.”  All the boys had come running and encircled the bowl.

But then I stopped everybody in their tracks.  “WAIT!  I have to take a picture for the blog!”  “PHATOOOWAH.  PFT.”

NO ONE can say that I am not dedicated, right?

I was told very firmly by my son that taking a picture was NOT a good idea.  But I didn’t listen.  “Just open it a little.  I’ve got the camera right here and….. ““PHATOOOWAH.  PLAH.”

“MOM he got OUT!”

Scuttling.  Running.  Screaming.  Four teenage boys literally flipping my couch completely upside-down.  But the darn thing went in to the bowels of my microfiber couch.  Now he is set for life.  Sunflower seeds, boogers and crumbs.  He was in Palmetto Bug Heaven.  He will NEVER come out.

After brushing my teeth about a hundred times and spitting even more I went off to bed.  “PHATOOOWAH.  SHIRFFLE.”    Shuttering still.  Cringing inside.  Shuttering some more.

In the morning I found a note left out on the kitchen counter.  “12:45 a.m.  He came out.  I killed him.  You are safe.”

But am I?  From what my co-workers say, I now have eggs embedded in to my tongue.  And when they hatch, the baby Giant American Freaking Cockroaches will crawl up in to my brain.  And I don’t think anyone can save me then.  “PLAHHH.”

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