How NOT To Go Crabbing « Shoot Me Now

Shoot Me NowHow NOT To Go Crabbing

How NOT To Go Crabbing
Published on Tuesday, July 31, 2012 by

blue crabs
It all started out innocently enough.  A call on my cell phone from a number I didn’t recognize.


“Mom, it’s me.  Funny thing happened today.  The canoe tipped while we were crabbing.  But everything’s OK.  I’ll tell you about it later.”

“Oh, OK.  Oh no!  Your phone?”

“I left it on the dock.  It’s fine.  So anyway, the police officer said he would drive us back to my car, so I’ll be home soon.  See ya.”





“Did he say police?,” I squeak.

A few minutes later I see my other son and a neighbor casually walking up the street.  I called perhaps a little to frantically to them, “WHERE’S YOUR BROTHER!!?”  “He’s crabbing down the street.  Why?”  “BECAUSE HE JUST CALLED, SAID THE CANOE TIPPED AND THE POLICE WERE THERE!”  (I was still speaking in ALL CAPS.)

Hysterical laughter from the boys.  “Oh wow!  That was him!?  We saw a fire truck, ambulance, a few police cars and shore patrol on the Military Highway bridge.  That was for them!”  More hysterical laughter.

<me hitting my head against the wall>

Ten very long minutes later, my oldest pulls up to the house.  And the story begins.

“Sean and I were crabbing under the bridge when a jetski flew by us at top speed.  The wake immediately turned our canoe over, sending us in to the water.  I tried to right the canoe like we learned in boy scouts.  At the same time, Sean was literally clinging to a bridge piling above the water…”

<ok, that part made me laugh>

military highway

“Finally he said SCREW IT and swam to shore.  I draped myself over the canoe because I didn’t want to ditch it.  I could have swam since we weren’t far, but I was trying to save the canoe.  When Sean got to shore, someone from the neighborhood asked if he should call for help.  Sean thought he meant for a tow, but instead, the guy called the police.  After everyone arrived, a female police officer came out in a canoe to make me get out of the water.  I got in and could immediately tell she didn’t know how to row.  I asked if I could have the ore so we could get to shore quickly.  She handed it over.  From there, a police officer gave us a ride back to my car, and here I am.”

And then he proceeded to grin.

<all I could picture was the movie, “Stand by Me.”>

Fortunately, I didn’t die of a heart attack on the spot.  From there, I yelled at them for not having their life vests on.  They told me I didn’t need to bother, because everyone else from the cops to shore patrol already did.  This only pushed me to fuss at them a bit more.

Once it was all said and done, they learned their lesson about life jackets and provided a new story for the family to tell for years to come.

But wait… the story does not end here!

The next morning my neighbor sent me a text.  “The boys made the news on the radio this morning!”


And sure enough, they made the local news as well:

People Rescued From Elizabeth River

I would have killed for real video.  Darn it all.  Funny, the story mentions several people and a boat.  It was two teenagers, a non-law-abiding jet skier and a tiny canoe.  One of the two swam to shore (very, very close) and the other was told to ditch the canoe.  He could have easily made it to shore – the kid is as strong as an ox and can swim like a fish.


Several weeks later, my son shared another tidbit about the incident with me.  When one of the officers handed him the phone, a text message inadvertently came up on the screen.  It read, “So you want to f**** tonight, don’t you?  You are such a dirty thing!”  My son looked down, handed the phone back to the officer who immediately exclaimed, “Oh, I am so SO SORRY.”  I suppose cops gotta get love too!

The story just gets better and better and better.

Needless to say, they have not been crabbing since.

chesapeake blue crabs

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