*I am interrupting my normally silly, happy and unpredictable blog to spill my guts. Better out than in, I pray.
I’m a bundle of nerves, literally.
It seems the minute I turned the calendar to November 1 my stomach tied in to a knot and refuses to be untied. And trust me everyone, I have tried vodka!
Of course it begins with a huge decrease in sunshine, the thing that brings me joy in even the worst of times. And my faith. My complete loss of faith these days. But that is another post.
Then there is the accident pain. The constant gnawing ache in my back. “Today it’s a five. Today it’s an eight. I’m back down to four. Woo hoo it’s a nine!”
Top it off with a bad gastroparesis day and I’m almost ALMOST broken.
And then comes the break. The one horrific thing looming ahead of me.
It is EVERYWHERE. I have already seen TWO houses with fully decorated Christmas trees in the front windows. CHRISTMAS TREES! Yesterday I heard somebody say, “Happy Holidays.” It will only take a few more days before the parking lots are filled, people are pushing you out of the way and greed takes over the planet.
Summer? Can you please come back?
I suppose a lot of my stress over Christmas this year is my complete lack of money since the accident. As you probably know, even if you are not responsible for any of an accident, you are still responsible for every single medical bill until your care is over.
It is so sad that much of my stress would simply go away if I was handed a simple (ha!) $1,500 for the grand occasion of Christmas. I have $900 worth of crystal on ebay now, in the hopes to make $500. It will never happen. Perhaps I can sell one of the kids? Nahhhhh…. I kinda like them.
Ugh. I just want Christmas to go away.
How unusual is this? For me to write an Eeyore post? I am normally happy, positive and certainly carrying a glass half full.
Perhaps the three valium I have been instructed to take this Friday will give me a few hours of peace. Until I lie face down on that table, waiting for another needle to go deep in to my spine.
I just have to be sure I don’t spill my glass, transforming it from half full to empty. Because right now? I am feeling pretty empty.
*We will now return to my regular happy go lucky posts!