I’m a Bundle of Nerves « Shoot Me Now

Shoot Me NowI’m a Bundle of Nerves

I’m a Bundle of Nerves
Published on Tuesday, November 5, 2013 by

*I am interrupting my normally silly, happy and unpredictable blog to spill my guts.  Better out than in, I pray.

christmas too early

I’m a bundle of nerves, literally.

It seems the minute I turned the calendar to November 1 my stomach tied in to a knot and refuses to be untied.  And trust me everyone, I have tried vodka!

Of course it begins with a huge decrease in sunshine, the thing that brings me joy in even the worst of times.  And my faith.  My complete loss of faith these days.  But that is another post. 

Then there is the accident pain.  The constant gnawing ache in my back.  “Today it’s a five.  Today it’s an eight.  I’m back down to four.  Woo hoo it’s a nine!”

Top it off with a bad gastroparesis day and I’m almost ALMOST broken.

And then comes the break.  The one horrific thing looming ahead of me. 

Christmas.

It is EVERYWHERE.  I have already seen TWO houses with fully decorated Christmas trees in the front windows.  CHRISTMAS TREES!  Yesterday I heard somebody say, “Happy Holidays.”  It will only take a few more days before the parking lots are filled, people are pushing you out of the way and greed takes over the planet.

Summer?  Can you please come back?

I suppose a lot of my stress over Christmas this year is my complete lack of money since the accident.  As you probably know, even if you are not responsible for any of an accident, you are still responsible for every single medical bill until your care is over. 

It is so sad that much of my stress would simply go away if I was handed a simple (ha!) $1,500 for the grand occasion of Christmas.  I have $900 worth of crystal on ebay now, in the hopes to make $500.  It will never happen.  Perhaps I can sell one of the kids?  Nahhhhh…. I kinda like them. 

Ugh.  I just want Christmas to go away.

How unusual is this?  For me to write an Eeyore post?  I am normally happy, positive and certainly carrying a glass half full.

Perhaps the three valium I have been instructed to take this Friday will give me a few hours of peace.  Until I lie face down on that table, waiting for another needle to go deep in to my spine. 

cervical epidural

I just have to be sure I don’t spill my glass, transforming it from half full to empty.  Because right now?  I am feeling pretty empty.

*We will now return to my regular happy go lucky posts!

 

mom blog

  • Ron

    Katherine my dear friend, you’ve been through SO MUCH this year, so I can totally understand your feelings at this time – TOTALLY.

    And being someone who is in retail, I feel your feelings because I’ve been looking at Christmas decorations in my store since LAST month. And the sad part about it is that before we know it, it will be here and then gone. Everything is rushed, rushed, rushed, isn’t it?

    And please don’t apologize with spilling your guts on your blog because that’s what a blog is for, to express ALL that you’re going through; not just all the fun and happy stuff. My blog is certainly not all happy go lucky all the time.

    Just know that you’re in my thoughts and that I’m sharing MUCH good energy with you…

    ((((((((((((( You )))))))))))

    X ya, girl!

  • I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I can’t imagine having to pay out for all my medical bills! I couldn’t hazard a guess as to what my recent operation and follow up treatment would have cost. You spill your guts all you want, just don’t spill your glass.

    I agree about Christmas too. It is so sad that it’s been turned into a hard hitting sales pitch. I remember the old days with such fondness.

  • Katherine, I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. It’s hard enough dealing with health issues without the added pressure of the cost of health issues. Ignore all the Christmas hype as much as you can and try to remember it is way more about profits than about anything else at this point. Maybe you can create your own type of Christmas this year. One year, many years ago, we did away with store bought gifts and got creative about things to do or make for each other. It worked out really well.

    I wish it was in someone’s power to give you freedom from pain. Now that would be a glorious gift.

  • I am sorry that you are suffering both physical and financial pains. That the Christmas season is approaching makes it doubly painful. It is indeed not what it used to be. I like Cheryl’s idea of doing and making things for people. That really personalizes Christmas, which is as it should be.

    Too, it seems that what should be the happiest time of year seems to be when so much sadness occurs, or maybe it just magnifies it. I lost my Mom 11 years ago two days after Christmas, and my father-in-law several years ago right before Christmas, and my beloved Rosie just passed away after being with me for 16 years, so I understand the emotional toll. There have been times I couldn’t look at Christmas trimmings with out crying.

    I pray that you will find some light in your life, and that your pain and financial worries will ease. Until then, let it all out. Like Ron said that’s what blogs are for…and don’t spill your glass.

  • With everything you’ve got going on, it’s no wonder you’re not feeling happy-go-lucky! Don’t worry about the post, we’re all here for you. In fact, I’ve got a pitcher here with your name on it so if you spill your glass, I’ll help you refill it! 🙂

  • Oh, Katherine. I’m soooooo sorry you’re so stressed out and in so much pain. I love you sweetie. If there is ANYTHING I can do to help you feel better – please don’t hesitate to ask!

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