Be Warned. I Wrote About Poop. « Shoot Me Now

Shoot Me NowBe Warned. I Wrote About Poop.

Be Warned. I Wrote About Poop.
Published on Thursday, May 5, 2011 by

dog poop sign

Last week I pulled something out of my dog’s butt.  It was outside.  In public.  You are welcome for that.

If you own a dog, I bet you’ve done the very same thing. Go ahead.  Admit it.  There will be no judgment on my end.  Or from your dog’s end, for that matter.

You see, my dog may appear to be a pure breed Dalmatian, but in fact she is part dog, goat, cow and pig.  She will eat anything that smells randomly good, which apparently included some type of plastic the night before.

To compound the situation, she poops a lot.  When I take her for a walk I have to bring at least four plastic bags with me. And sometimes, that isn’t enough.

So there I was, innocently walking my dog when she had to make a pit stop.  Fair enough.  I diverted my eyes and waited for the leash to slacken.  With my bag at the ready, I turned to the spot in question.  The empty spot.  Didn’t she just….?

I turned to see her squat walking up and down the sidewalk. Note to self:  “Add frog to her breed mix.”

I will not describe what I saw, suffice to say you could have jumped rope with it using only one person at the other end.

This is the moment when a dog owner has to make a decision.  Wait it out and hope for the best or take matters in to your own hands – literally.

I watched her crab walk a bit more until I realized it was inevitable. In a very “All Things Great and Small” moment I covered my hand with a bag, took three steps forward and pulled.

In public.

With people watching.

Adding insult to injury, the job was not completed at first go.  Indeed, I retrieved the jump rope in question, but waving and smiling at me were three long pieces of grass.  Again, you are very welcome for all of this important information.

You have babies and get what you most certainly expect.  Lots of diaper changing and projectile vomiting.  But once they are older you should be done.  There are only so many bodily functions one person should have to deal with in a lifetime.

Unless you get a dog.  Then you become James Herriot.


mom blog

  • Hahahahaaha! That? Is EXACTLY why I don’t have a dog.

  • Oh my ewwww! I have to admit, I would have probably waited for him to take care of it himself (or wait until my husband came home and made him deal with it). That was why I refused to get a puppy. I didn’t enjoy potty training my kids, I certainly didn’t want to potty train a dog.

  • Bwahahahahahahaha. I can so relate as we have a dog. Bwahahahahahaha. You crack me up.

    Have a terrific day. 🙂

  • Oh, such fun. Haven’t had this problem with any of the cats. Things just pass…so far anyway.

  • This has not been one of my experiences among my dogs, (despite that there is goat in them all!) I am furiously knocking on wood.

  • Dogs can take away some of my dignity. I don’t care. Those are my babies! Poor pup! They eat anything, don’t they? Sweet and dumb. Oh heck!

  • Dogs can take away some of my dignity. I don’t care. Those are my babies! Poor pup! They eat anything, don’t they? Sweet and dumb. Oh heck!

  • I am totally with you!!
    I understand. I did the same. Many times.
    the worst thing is…you know what?
    When I am proud of his/her (I have two dogs) poop when it looks perfectly….”healthy”….
    Yes I know.
    I need serious help! 🙂

  • OMG. I can’t stop laughing because I have done this. It is gross and funny at the same time and also makes you gag. My dog ate a balloon once and that really was something that tested all the laws of physics on the way out.  LOLZ

  • Anonymous

     Yes, I have done it.  Several times.  Usually it is my own hair coming out her butt.  I’m not sure where she licks that up but gross is an understatement.  hanging head in shame

    I’ve, also, gotten down closer to get a good look just in case there were worms or something if one of them isn’t feeling well.  

    • Ha ha! YES! Someone understands! I think the BEST one was when my dog ate tinsel and she had it hanging out. Merry Christmas!!

  • Buster

    Try taking 4 dogs on a walk. I have 4 wieners and all I do is pick up poop. 

    Adult Costumes

  • This is an interesting topic to write on. Most people avoid to talk about it and yet it is the very basic of all living beings.

  • Bizz

    I cannot believe I’m not the only one who has had to pull tinsle from my dog’s butt!  Of course that was after argueing, einey meiney miney mo, and rock paper scissors with my father to see who had to do the deed.  For the record, I won every time but he pulled rank and I pulled….tinsle.  *gag*   I have never put it on my tree again!

    • I laughed out loud reading this!!! I mean, the poor dogs…. they don’t have thumbs and can’t do the pulling. You KNOW it can’t feel good when something gets.. well, STUCK there, you know!!!??? HA HA!

  • I am DYING from laughter right now. DYING. Oh my gosh, I’ve never owned a dog, and I’ve never been in your position, but THANK YOU for cracking me the hell up!

    • Meleah, I am sitting here laughing thinking about YOU laughing!!!! Maybe next time I can tie a rope around the grass and drive away quickly on a scooter like yours….! I think that would do the trick!

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