Coffee And Underwear Do NOT Mix! « Shoot Me Now

Shoot Me NowCoffee And Underwear Do NOT Mix!

Coffee And Underwear Do NOT Mix!
Published on Friday, September 11, 2009 by

funny coffee storyAnyone in the mood for coffee?  I know you can smell it.  Here, let me give you my shoe to suck on.  My hair clip tastes pretty good too.  And my underwear?  Yea, well, if you dare.  And if you want, you can go suck on my mattress at home.  Perhaps lick the floor?  Try the lamp, it’s delicious.  Dark Mountain Roast, to be exact.

Let me tell you all about the start of my day.  Before the kids were even awake I had my shower, makeup and hair done.  The lunches were packed.  The breakfasts were made and at the bedside of each child.  Animals were fed and coffee was done.  Time to wake everyone up.

My daughter was asleep on my bed, her tray next to her at the ready.  Honeycomb, mmmmm.  I was so efficient I actually had about five minutes to stop, drink my coffee and quickly hit Facebook.  A luxury.  I put my steaming cup of Dark Mountain on the bedside table.  I hook up my brand spankin’ new laptop.  I sit.  And do you know what happened?  Picture it all in slow motion.  Really.  Slow motion.

I have NO idea how it happened, but my lamp jumps up off the bedside table and flies through the air towards the floor.  This causes me to startle and throw my coffee mug up in the air.  The burning hot coffee flies up and then remembers gravity.  Down down it comes, splashing on my chest, down my work clothes, ON THE LAPTOP, over my shoe, down the side of the bed, under the bed, across the floor and on the wall.  BURNING HOT COFFEE.  I jump up, surprising my daughter, who then flips her tray over, cereal and milk crashing to the floor and spraying over the carpet.

Can you say, “GOOD MORNING GRACE?”

Change my soaking clothes, clean up coffee EVERYWHERE, pray to the patron saint of laptops as I carefully wipe off the wet brown mess, pick up the lamp, clean up the milk, honeycomb and water… and smile.  Because nothing starts off a bad day for an eight year old like a crabby mother.  With coffee soaked underwear.  And coffee stained socks and shoes.

At lunch I had my plastic coffee mug in my hand at 7-11.  I made a joke to the manager about dropping something again.  And then I dropped my cup.  Fortunately it was empty.  The cup hits the floor and literally bounces back up like a rubber ball.  I use my secret ninja skills to catch it by the handle in mid-air.  I look around to see if anyone was watching.  They weren’t.  I walked on as if nothing happened.

My left formerly white tennis shoe is now stained brown.  It is still wet.  And stinky.  And I’m wearing it.  At work.

This is my life.  Sigh.

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