I Danced. I Crowed. I Had Big Hair. « Shoot Me Now

Shoot Me NowI Danced. I Crowed. I Had Big Hair.

I Danced. I Crowed. I Had Big Hair.
Published on Thursday, March 11, 2010 by

My house is falling apart around me.  I need to pull everything out to scrub, build and paint.  But home improvements mean money.  And time.  Both of which I simply do not have.

But today, I have a great need to tell you about my toilets.  I have two in the house, and neither work correctly.  The children’s toilet?  Constantly dripping when the water is turned on.  An empty Cool Whip container has become a permanent fixture under the shut off valve.  Water constantly leaks under the flooring, and it is only a matter of time before someone takes a flying crap, literally – right through the floor.

The main bathroom?  You have to hold the handle down for it to flush.  You hold it and hold it and hold it.  I’ve gotten pretty good though.  I can get up, put my foot on the handle and hold it down while washing my hands at the same time.  Pee, hike, flush –hold it down, hold it down, hold it down, wash wash wash, foot back down to the floor.  Process complete.

I’m not sure if it was the hike, the hold or the leak – but something inside me broke yesterday.  And led me to the hardware store.  A long toilet talk later, I was in line with a new flexible supply tube and a toilet repairing kit.

When I got home, I was told I would not be able to repair the toilets.  It can’t be done.  (watch me)  So I grabbed every tool I could find, along with my camping lantern and surgical mask.  Doesn’t every plumber wear a mask?  Well, this one does a day after her son was vomiting his guts out.  Newly disinfected bathroom or not!  If you had seen my son dry heaving throughout the night, you would understand.

So there I am, straddling the toilet which is pushed right up against the wall.  I twist, I pull, I shimmy.  But I cannot get the old supply tube unscrewed.  Tools.  I need better tools.  So I walk to my friend’s house down the street.  And get a BIG TOOL.

When I come back, a picture has been drawn for me to represent how my hard work will result in utter failure. NO LIE.  I was shown a drawing of the pipes, with arrows, and was told I would fail.  (watch me)

Fast forward.  Mishaps, redos, grunts and prayers.  I knew I was getting close.  And then I accidentally popped off the top of the fill valve.  Dang.  So I manipulate it, turn it and push it.  Turn on the water ever so slightly, nope!  Adjust again. Water on.  Darn!  But then I thought I had it.  I slowly (EVER so slowly) turned on the water and watched as the water easily flowed correctly in to the tank.  I open the valve all the way and take a closer look.

And that was when she blew.  And blew BIG.  The fill valve literally flew up like a rocket, hit the ceiling and came crashing down.  Water followed, shooting up like a pressure washer, practically taking paint off the ceiling.  As soon as I shut off the water, a quiet filled the bathroom.  I quickly looked behind me to be sure no one saw.  Phew.  I was safe.  (and wet)  (soaking wet)

Two hours later, I…. Katherine Murray…. had fixed TWO TOILETS.  Two toilets that had been misbehaving for months.  My middle son came to me and said, “You are the Man of the House, Mom.”  My oldest called me a rock star.  And my nine year old daughter belted out, “YOU don’t need no stinkin’ man!”

Me?  I danced.  I crowed.  I got an old forgotten beer out of the fridge.  And then I looked in the mirror.  All the flipping, turning , water spraying and hanging practically upside-down over the toilet bowl made my hair big.  I mean B-I-G.  Furthermore, I still had my mask on.  And I had my beer.  So of course, I asked my daughter to take my picture.

toilet repair

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  • YAY! You have conquered the unruly toilets!

  • ScoMan

    I feel kind of silly. I came here yesterday and couldn’t find the comment box..but here it is, large as life.

    My toilet has been broken for years. You get a few flushes out of it then you have to run the tap thing again to fill it.. if you leave the tap turned on it leaks. There’s a washer problem or something. I don’t know, I don’t have that kind of time.. I just work around it.

  • Jen

    You are awesome! Doesn’t it feel wonderful when everyone tells you you can’t do something and you manage to do it anyway, and without their assistance which would have probably made the job considerably easier? I bet that was the best tasting beer ever.

  • Sometimes toilets crashes. And we have nothing to do about it, unless fixing it ourselves!

  • What time can you come to my house?? Now that you know how to do that, we can do all of ours. LOL. It is very rewarding to accomplish something like that. I just replaced the spark plugs in my lawnmower and was proud for three days. Good job.

  • This is too funny! Thankfully I have a do-it-yourself-husband who can fix anything, so far. Found your blog through Jen @ http://redheadranting.com and say you try to get to Corolla most summer weekends. You got a house there? Where you hail from? I live in Currituck, just before the bridge to the OBX.

    Can’t wait to read more of your stuff.

  • OMG. This is too friggen funny. Im sorry to be laughing SO HARD, but the AFTER photo of you is absolutely PRICELESS! Congratulations on fixing TWO toilets! You’re like a super hero!

  • Yay!! You did it!!! You actually make me want to go and check out one of ours that runs non stop 24 hours a day. I am inspired!
    …Or maybe you can just come and take a look (-:

  • Well done! Probably the best witness to your resourcefulness are your kids. They are winners, too, learning by example to do whatever it takes. Life’s difficulties are transcended whenever we make lemonade rather than curse the darkness. Life’s a bitch, and then you fix the toilets.

  • I hear the roar from here. You are the WOMAN!What a ton of self satisfaction that sounds like.

  • What a great blog find. Hi Katherine, my name’s Kerry I have a blog and Gastroparesis too. First congrats on being a toilet fixing superstar!

    I read your page on Gastroparesis and I think its the best description I’ve ever read. It put a lump in my throat because what you experience is pretty darn exact to what I do…even the part about gaining weight with it (I’ve been so embarrassed about that).

    At first I lost 60 pounds, then had gall bladder surgery and could eat white bread (heck all white starchy, sugary food) and pounds packed back on…my body was starving for food and not being able to eat fruits or veggies or whole grains doesn’t help with weight gain. Another point when you haven’t eateb in two years, food tastes awfully good and the feeling of fullness in the belly does too! I also have a chronic systemic condition which makes it impossible to exercise. Equation equals weight gain. Anyway, reading your Gastro. page has taken my weight gain shame away.

    My GP is worsening again and I’m trying to look at the weight as Gastroparesis insurance!

    My systemic chronic illness condition has effected my coordination, so I can also relate to doing embarrassing things in public…which like you, I do my best to find the funny in (cause usually I realize they really are funny, once I get over the initial embarrassment).

    So Katherine, your blog is my find of the day. I look forward to reading more and wish you a weekend of enjoying those all fixed and working toilets! Kerry

  • What a fun post! Really, it’s so admirable that you did all these things. It only shows that you are a great mom. Cheers to you.

  • Way to go on fixing the toilets! I need to learn some basic skills like that. I remember when I was younger, my dad attempted to fix a toilet, and he managed to shoot water up to the ceiling. I still tease him about it. 😉

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