Bathroom Spiders

Published on Friday, September 19, 2014 by Katherine

My son’s first nightmare was about spiders. I heard his little cry, causing me to race out of bed and in to his room. “The spiders are getting me! The spiders are getting me!” My little guy had woken up in the middle of a nightmare in which spiders were crawling all over his body.

Fast forward many years. This boy can gut a deer, shoot better than most and would try any bizarre food you put in front of him.

Yet I wasn’t surprised when I got his phone call while driving down to the beach house. Since I was at the wheel, my daughter picked up the phone and put it on speaker.

“MOM! There is a spider in your bathroom. A Big <sensored> Spider. You don’t understand, Mom. It isn’t just a spider. IT IS A MASSIVE WRITING SPIDER AND IT BUILT A WEB RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR BATHROOM! Mom! I have to leave the house! No, I have to kill it! Mom you have NO IDEA HOW BIG THIS SPIDER IS! It is the stuff of my nightmares! I opened the door and almost walked right in to the web of A MASSIVE HORRIBLE SPIDER! MOM I HAVE TO KILL IT! No… I can’t kill it… it is too big… no… I HAVE TO KILL IT! Mom, I am upstairs because I can’t even be downstairs and… AHHHHHHH!!!!!”

My daughter and I talked him down as best we could. No, you will NOT kill the spider. Yes, we will get it out of the house when we get there. No, it won’t hurt you… unless it has written your name in its web. It hasn’t written your name in its web, right? Then yes, you will be fine. DO NOT KILL THE SPIDER. Mommy will come to save you.

Did I mention the boy can gut a deer? And has eaten crickets and chicken feet with me?

Needless to say, I saved the spider and no, there wasn’t a single name woven in to this writing spider’s web. But honestly… Who gets writing spider’s in their home?