Jen at Redhead Ranting wrote a list of the top five things you should never give on Mother’s Day. Excellent list and I agree, a Dyson would be a dream come true. But I’m not sure I deserve it.
With Mother’s Day around the corner, I have been looking back at the years gone by and have wondered how it all happened so fast. Motherhood has been a roller coaster indeed; sprinkled with moments I never once dreamed would be a part of my life.
Yes, many were wonderful, happy and earth shattering times. But I am a sap. And if I start to list the beautiful moments I will a.) start crying and b.) bore you to tears.
So let’s talk trash.
Sure, we all expect sleepless nights, dirty diapers and screaming children. But frankly, there have been moments that couldn’t have been predicted. Things that came out of my mouth that I would not have fathomed saying years ago. And of course, there have been things I have done that I am not proud of.
June Cleaver, cover your ears because this is a top ten list you don’t want to hear.
The Top Ten Things I’ve Done As A Mother That I Am Not Proud Of
1. Laughing at my children when they get hurt. Yes, I’ve done it. But seriously. When your teenager peels around a corner and runs right in to the wall, landing unceremoniously onto his ass, how can you keep a straight face? Or when one of the children is watching a horror movie downstairs, gets scared, runs upstairs, trips and flies UP the stairs and then head first into the wall? I mean, you certainly don’t want to see your children hurt, but when they do it with style? OK so I tried to keep a straight face. But I am the world’s worst liar. I don’t think I’ll be getting an award for this one.
2. I’ve spied on my children. Yes, that was me in the hallway, holding my ear to the door as I listened to my son describe his girlfriend to a neighborhood kid. It was just too good. I couldn’t help myself. And he never found out.
3. The Blue Flame Club. My oldest children are members. My brother is the President and I am the Chief of Staff. I handed them the lighter. And I’m not proud.
4. I have caught vomit in my hand. It wasn’t mine. And I did it on purpose.
5. I’ve lied to my children. “Oh but you HAVE to wear a veil for First Communion. That is the rule!” “If you don’t wash your hair you will get bugs!” “Maybe if you hadn’t been so mean to your brother, this would not have happened!”
6. I’ve bribed my children. Enough said.
7. I have spoken to my children calmly, handling a stressful situation with both grace and parental maturity. And then I stuck my tongue out at them when they turned their backs. And it felt good.
8. My children have told me “not to tell Grandma” something. I said OK. And then I told Grandma that something. Because it was just too good. And they never found out.
9. I’ve told each child they were my favorite when pushed. And I told them not to tell the others. And they didn’t.
10. My middle school son once told me his school picture was really bad. And that he looked stupid in it. But he thought it was kind of funny. So I pulled out the school picture and chuckled. And then I started to laugh. And then I started to laugh so hard I cried. And then I turned and saw my child didn’t think it was quite that funny. Oops.
Oh, I could certainly tell you the amazing things I’ve done, from fighting old school doctors who believed my first and very sick child simply had “colic” to comforting and hugging away every bad thing I can. But that would be the safe thing to do.
Today I’m being honest. Parenthood is ugly. It can bring out the best in you, but it can also bring out the worst. And I am being brave enough to tell you the worst. If any parents you know say they have never done anything they aren’t proud of, then they are lying. And you should stick your tongue at them behind their backs. And it will feel good.
Parenthood. Discuss.
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